Sunday, April 13, 2014

It has been over a year since I last posted and another birthday has passed. The grandkids are getting bigger and so much more fun to interact with now. Little Henry seems to like his Nana a lot and runs to greet her. It makes me smile inside out.
I have spent two weeks with my older sister who is dying with cancer. It was not a pleasant two weeks as she was not so sick as she was old. Old beyond her years and that made me sad. The last two to three years have been physically hard on her with illness and those illnesses have taken their tole not only physically but emotionally on her and it makes those around her not knowing where to land when with her. She can be ready to work hard at one time and then be ready to go "home" the next meeting. I don't think she knows what she wants and it depends on who she is with and sometimes who will give her the most sympathy. It has been truly hard for her and she does deserve a great deal of sympathy, but she is now living off of that and not using her own reserves to forge ahead. It is just easier this way as it takes less effort. It is the same mentality that the homeless get into after being without for so long that they loose the will to do for themselves because it is easier to do without and hope that someone else will do it for them.
As I look ahead to the next 25-30 years of life, God willing, I wonder what I will do with it. I have no job or vocation to take up my time. My hobbies no longer keep my interest. TV is a waste land of crime and broken relationships that bring sadness to ones heart. God, I need to find a new purpose for my existence here as just existing to go to meetings, lunch with friends, and spending time with my kids and grandkids while fun doesn't seem to have purpose in the long run. What am I here for NOW? I don't want to be complacent with where I am and have nothing to look forward to.

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